Feel
by pookiecat78
Summary: Just when he thought life couldn't get any worse... Warning: non-con, self-inflicted harm, slash  ABANDONED
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Numb

Severus Snape stared in shock at the crumbled up paper in his hands. He was in his room and had been there for the better part of an hour just staring in shock. It was only the second week of the summer hols and he was already being forced to do something he doesn't want to do. He was used to it of course, but that didn't make him any less angry. The letter was the cause of his anger and shock.

The once curled letter now lay quite flat from all the re reading he had done. The letter read:

_Dear Mr. Severus Snape,_

_In light of your mother's recent death you've been granted new living arrangements due to complaints against the safety of your home. You will be living with the Potters. They will come and pick you up around 9:00 tomorrow. We are sorry for your loss._

_Dirk Croswell_

_Dirk Croswell_

_Head of Magical Law Enforcement_

Severus was numb. His mum had died in April while he was in school. He had gone to the funeral. He hadn't cried then and he wouldn't cry now. He was just angry.

Why were they sending him away? There was nothing wrong with his home now…Severus flinched at his obvious lie as he thought of how his father was probably downstairs now passed out drunk. Severus was never close to his mum. She had been depressed lately and seemed out of it, but he had loved her. She made him feel happy and cared for.

But now…now he felt nothing. He was scared. He didn't like to not feel anything. He needed to feel again. Severus stood up slowly and walked to his dresser.

He opened the drawer and pulled out a sharp silver knife. The knife was exquisite. It was stainless steel and very sharp. It was perfect and it didn't even cost that much. Severus slid the metal against his rough arm, already littered with healed cuts.

They were just pink or red lines now though. Severus relished in the sting he felt at the knife cutting open his skin. He watched transfixed as ruby red blood slid down the pale skin. It was a great contrast. He cut a few more cuts on his right arm, glad that he could finally feel, before he switched to the other arm.

His arms were practically bathed in red. He had started this habit strangely his first night at Hogwarts when the Marauder's had started teasing him. Severus had thought Hogwarts would be great and that he'd have no worries there. But when he got there he found that he was just as much of a freak there than at home. The only one to look at him with kindness and adoration was Lucius Malfoy.

Sure he had Lily, but even he could sense that she was only his friend out of pity. It left him feeling empty and when he felt empty he needed to feel. This was the best thing. The knife was like a friend. It brought him comfort and pain.

He was used to pain. Pain was his life; brought on by so many people…with a sudden rage Severus picked up the knife and flung it at his wall. It flew through the air and landed right on a dark red spot on his wall. It was his blood and he used it for a target when he got these sudden urges. At times Severus would get angry, impossibly angry and just lash out.

He stood up and kicked his bed. It creaked. He grabbed at his greasy hair looking quite deranged. He picked up his lamp and through it at the wall. It broke making a really loud noise.

A deep gruff mans voice came from downstairs, "BOY! What are you doin' up there?" his booming voice asked.

Severus ignored the man and punched the wall, he punched and punched until his knuckles were bloody and scrapped and he still didn't stop then. He continued to trash him room.

Severus was so angry that blood pounded in his ears and he didn't hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs or his thin door opening. He did feel when a large hand backhanded him so hard that he fell to the ground. He felt a kick hit him in his stomach. He ached as his father, Tobias Snape, continued to kick him. The large man lifted Severus by his thin arms and shook him.

"Freak, you will learn not to take advantage of all the stuff I used my hard earned money to buy. That just goes to show how useful yah are!" Tobias grabbed a fistful of Severus hair as he yelled in his face, spittle flying everywhere.

Severus was used to this so he just blocked the man out. He did however hear the man's last words.

"Let me teach you a lesson on behaving yourself."

This worried him, something about the way he said that made him wary. He knew he'd get hurt but he didn't want to find out how. For the first time in years Severus fought back as Tobias tried to lay him on the bed. Finally, Tobias grabbed Severus' pillow and stuffed his face into it.

Severus couldn't see or breath, but he knew something bad was going to happen as he felt his clothing being taken off of him. Tobias chuckles and whispered in Severus' ear,

"You're gonna like it you freak. It's what you deserve. You're a freak, a burden, a disgrace, a weakling, and a queer! You're gonna get what you deserve." Severus felt tears sting his eyes as something large and painful entered him from behind. Oh god no, no, no. Why? Why him?

Why does every goddamn thing always happen to him? Maybe he was freak like his father said? Maybe he did deserve this? It was his entire fault that this was happening. All him…those were the last thoughts he had before he blacked out from the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The morning after

The next morning Severus woke up naked and sweaty. He winced at the uncomfortable feel of semen in his anus. A sharp stab of pain surged from his arse and up his spine. Severus tried to stand but his legs were shaking and he had to hold on to the bedpost to steady him. Every time he moved his body protested against him.

Finally, he got into the shower and turned the water all the way hot. Scorching hot. But Severus barley felt the burn as he scrubbed himself hard. He felt dirty and just…urgh! Every time he looked down on himself he felt sick and the need to cleanse himself.

Severus' skin was red and bleeding from all the scrubbing he did. When he noticed the red at the bottom of the shower he cursed. Severus got out but didn't bother to clean himself up or dry himself. He just went into his room and curled up in a fetal position on his bed. He, for the first time in a long time, cried.

He wept, sobbed; he let out heart wrenching cries of "Why?" He didn't know how long he lay there. It could've been hours or minutes or just seconds. He sat up and wiped at his red eyes. It was 1:00.

He had to tell his…Tobias…that he'd be leaving. Severus couldn't even think the word anymore. He stood and got dressed his cleanest pair of jeans he could find, his father's old shirt that said 'SHIT HAPPENS', and his father's old work boots. In his rucky he packed all his clothes, which wasn't much, some money, and a pair of sneakers. Severus hesitantly walked down the stairs wondering if he could face his father right now.

He was never afraid to see his father after a beating but this the first time the man had raped him and he was tense. Severus found his father in the kitchen reading the paper. Severus cleared his throat.

Tobias looked up angrily and snapped, "What do you want, boy?" Severus flinched but held strong.

"When mum died my lot made arrangements for me to live elsewhere. The people I'm stayin' with are comin' round at 9 to pick me up."

Tobias smiled nastily. "Well good riddance you worthless piece of trash!" Severus was used to the insults, but they still hurt.

Severus nodded and turned to go upstairs.

Tobias stopped them and said, "We still got time. How about a repeat of last night?"

Severus' eyes widened in fear at the memory. His arse was still sore.

Tobias let out a cackle of triumph and dragged Severus back upstairs.


End file.
